Spike Milligan Read online

I loved your poem a lot. Once, years ago, Ira Gershwin wrote me a verse inscription in his book of lyrics using the same flattering rhyme from my last name. At that time, he pointed out that Aneurin Bevin was the only other possible rhyme and that he had rejected it. I hope that you rejected Bernard Levin as summarily. I can’t rhyme ‘June’ and ‘moon’, so the only way I can get even is to set your poem for soloists, massed chorus, the LSO and solo trumpet which you can then perform with us.

  I really liked it. Thank you.

  André Previn

  Sir Harry Evans

  Editor

  Sunday Times

  17 January 1973

  Dear Sir Harry,

  Congratulations on the Newspaper of the Year award, you deserve it. I myself have decided to give you a knighthood.

  See you soon.

  Love from

  Spike

  [Written to Sir Michael Edwardes when he received the £990m grant from the Government.]

  Bing Crosby

  c/o Franklyn Konigsburg

  International Famous Artists

  9255 Sunset Boulevard

  Los Angeles 90069

  California

  USA

  20 February 1974

  Dear Bing,

  Just to tell you that I am very glad you got over your illness because if you had kicked the bucket it would have been a great chapter in my life written off.

  I really started my career when I first heard you sing ‘Down the Old Ox Road’ (it never became a hit but you did).

  I remember I had never been so excited for years as when I introduced you on the Eamonn Andrews talk show a few years ago and my God, you floored me when you remembered ‘Our Big Love Scene’ and for me to get excited at the age of 53 is really something.

  I am sending you a book I wrote about Ireland knowing you like me are an ex patriot Irishman.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Clive James Esq.

  The Observer

  3 December 1975

  Dear Clive,

  You’ve done it now – having been declared a genius by you, my wife makes me get up and make my own breakfast. She says to me ‘You’re the genius, you bloody well make it’.

  But I am very grateful to you because the first Q5, I thought had been forgotten completely, and no attempt was made to export it overseas, but I think your write up (and BBC do take notice of write ups) might have made a little headway getting overseas.

  This is not a grovelling letter, just a thank you.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan over the telephone and signed in his absence

  Ronnie Scott Esq.

  Pete King Esq.

  Ronnie Scotts Jazz Club

  London W1

  31 March 1981

  Dear Ronnie, Dear Pete, or anybody who is listening,

  What can I say about that evening at Ronnie Scotts listening to Buddy Rich? I have a theory now, that the people who were sent to extermination camps during World War II had been given a choice they would say ‘Do you vant Auschwitz, or that fucking awful table that Ronnie Scott gave to Spike Milligan at the Buddy Rich concert?’ Please let me know next time I have bought a ticket for Auschwitz, as the next Buddy Rich concert gets nearer and nearer, the queues for Auschwitz are getting longer and longer. In fact, I think one of the people in the queue is Buddy Rich, he can’t stand it either.

  Let me put it this way, if that table was a suit, I would look like a fucking cripple. Whoever invented that table invented a guide dog for the deaf.

  Do you know that Ringo Starr hangs around outside John Lennon’s apartment wearing a bullseye over his heart, he is determined to make it somehow.

  Look Ronnie, you really could have gone the whole hog why didn’t you put that table in the centre of the door, leading to the dressing rooms. Think of the funt it would have been hurgling.

  I await your usual fucking silence.

  How can you both become members of the Wig and Pen Club?

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Memo from Barry Humphries

  Barry Humphries is a division of the Barry Humphries Group

  To Spike Milligan, Esq.

  Subject The Art of A. H. Fullwood

  Date 9 Nov. 1983.

  Copy Alan Clare

  Bob Todd

  John Bluthall

  Dear Spike,

  Nearly a year ago Dame Edna Everage’s security guards clashed with your own outside a Birmingham book-shop. Couldn’t we meet privately soon, without an entourage of hostile heavies?

  I am re-married with two young children and I would like you to kiss them, so you can one day tell your grandchildren: ‘Barry Humphries asked me to kiss his kiddies’.

  I am addressing this to Orme Court and I hope that Peter Rawley or Beryl Virtue will re-address it.

  I think I owe you a Greek lunch.

  Love

  Barry Humphries

  The recipient is advised to preserve this memorandum as it could well become a very extremely valuable collector’s item.

  Barry Humphries Esq.

  London SW7

  15 November 1983

  Dear Mr Everage,

  Your wife has somehow got my address, I have been trying to avoid her for the last 20 years. She believes actually that her security guards, and my security guards clashed in Birmingham, indeed it is possibly one of the best areas for security guards to clash, the climate is mild and the people impoverished. Actually the occasion I remember, I was trying to get you there to show you how pitiful and poverty stricken it was, and as depressed as Moonie Ponds, where she left some 20 years ago to live a life of package tours, and artificial pearls, and National Health spangled glasses. I know for a fact she has varicose veins, piles and wears an appliance, she’s had several face-lifts over the last year, which has improved the plastic surgeon’s income and little else. But, of course, Norman, I will be delighted to meet you, I suppose that it is her conscience that’s bothering her, I mean I knew her when she was alive, and believe me but for her pacemaker, she wouldn’t make it to the dunny.

  These are my movements: at the moment I am in Southsea, for the week, week of 21st November, Norwich, week 29th November, Slough, week 5th December, Wimbledon, week 12th December, Brighton.

  I actually think that Prince Charles is coming to have dinner with me in January or February at my home in Barnet, if you would like to be there on that occasion do let me know, and, of course, I will order up a bottle of Borossa Pearl for that occasion and some lamingtons.

  Do phone Norma Farnes at my office, 727 1544, and give her a date when we can meet.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  c.c. Dame Edna Everage

  Old Matron’s Home

  Woy Woy

  Warren Vache

  New Jersey

  USA

  25 September 1986

  Dear Warren,

  Thank you for your note of sympathy in the Key of G. Alas I was suffering a slipped disc in 5 sharp, one of the world’s most agonising keys; by being a natural arranger I transposed it to B flat for the piano, putting the illness in the key of C.

  For a full report on the agony phone (01) 441 1522 and unless I am much mistaken, I will answer you.

  Keep playing man.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike

  Mr W. Vache

  New Jersey

  USA

  5 May 1988

  Dear Warren,

  How very kind of you to miss my birthday by 17 days. I hope your sight reading is better than this, another thing, why are you persecuting me like this, with long distance phone calls from the colony of America.

  I am sorry to tell you this but your eyesight woefully needs testing, you see I am a negro and I want you to be the first to know. Its just that I was born a negative and when I was developed I went white, but I th
ink by the time I see you again I will have had a body transplant, I am going for Sophia Loren’s then I can go to the pictures by myself.

  Warm Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  Paul Getty Jnr

  London SW1

  12 January 1988

  My dear Paul,

  When I ’phoned you the other day, in a joyous voice you said ‘I have been out’. My dear Paul out could be the in thing. I mean it is ridiculous of you to tell me on the ’phone that you are in, and not ‘out’, one is the case of being there and the other is the case of not.

  I mean out can be a losing streak, for instance a man lying prone on the canvas hears ‘8, 9, 10 out’, it would be silly for him to hear ‘8, 9, 10 in’. I mean it would deceive a boxer no end if his hands raised above him he was told he was not in.

  I am just warning you to be careful when you are out, for instance I knew a Count who was out for the, i.e. out for the count. I mean if you are out for the count you don’t hear it. You understand.

  I must finish this letter now because I am going out. I will ’phone you next time you are in.

  Love,

  Spike Milligan

  Paul Getty Esq.

  London SW1

  2 March 1988

  Dear Paul,

  I woke up this morning and discovered it was Wednesday I thought I would pass this information on to you.

  Love,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. I do hope you are better.

  Paul Getty Jnr

  London SW1

  23 March 1988

  Dear Paul,

  You write to me on a Monday and tell me yesterday was Sunday. I am not interested in yesterdays, for like my first and second wives they have gone for good.

  I tell you again today is Wednesday, can’t you get it through your head.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Please acknowledge Wednesday.

  7 July 1988

  Dear Mr Gorbachov,

  As somebody who has been living between the great political competition between America and Russia since the last war, may I say out of all of it you have become a strong beacon of hope and I think apart from that Russia will benefit greatly from your decisions. Already from your actions Russia is not being looked upon with the suspicion and resentment it had been since W.W.2.

  I congratulate you on your wonderful enlightened approach to a difficult subject.

  In case you wonder who I am, I am an Irish genius.

  Spike Milligan

  HRH The Prince of Wales KGKT

  Buckingham Palace

  11 October 1988

  Dear Prince Charles,

  I have just received an invitation to your Birthday Ball. Of course I will come but can I have the first waltz with you? It’s 1-2-3 1-2-3. If you do 1-2-3-4 it means you get there first.

  I will see you at the snacks counter.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Telegram to Anna Ford at the BBC sent on Wednesday 15 November 1989

  Dear Anna,

  I don’t like you with your hair back

  Please put it back again.

  Love,

  Spike

  Anna Ford

  BBC

  London

  W12

  19 April 2000

  Dear Anna,

  Did I once take you out to dinner and try to make love to you, or did I imagine it all.

  Do put me out of my misery.

  Warm regards,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike protecting his best mate after Eric had had a row with Ray Cooney. I just love it.]

  17 April 1990

  Dear Eric,

  Ray Cooney is a cunt – I wouldn’t put myself out of work because of a cunt. I would continue as is and ignore the cunt. I wouldn’t let the cunt deprive me of nearly £3000 a week. He can’t do anything except insult you, he can’t fire you.

  So, you go on letting him be a cunt and you get paid £3000.

  Your very old and wise friend,

  Spike Milligan

  and the Samaritans

  Germaine Greer

  c/o The Oldie

  4 February 1993

  Dear Germaine,

  Regarding the Archers at Crecy here is an extract from the Art Of War In The Middle Ages ‘The welsh marcher Lords were assessed at another 3350 men, half spearmen and half archers’. Marry me.

  Love,

  Spike Milligan

  Germaine Greer

  Cambridgeshire

  29 April 1993

  Dear Germaine,

  I am sending you a copy of my poems Hidden Words, I mean somebody has got to read them. I have got the other one and the third is in the possession of the South African police.

  Whatever are you doing these days you seem to be living in a chicken house with some goose eggs and forever planting trees in high winds.

  I am sorry they were Greek archers at the battle of Crecy come to think of it I’m sorry there were English archers as well because the Welsh could have won it without them.

  Why did you marry Kingsley Amis? You must never do it again, I would have been a much better choice as I have the unexpurgated version of the Karma Sutra.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  [Robert Carrier had a TV programme on cooking food in people’s houses. Spike was totally bowled over by him and told him so.]

  Robert Carrier Esq.

  London SW7

  15 November 1994

  Dear Robert,

  This is rather a delayed letter. I just wanted to tell you what a pleasure it was to meet you. I found you a very commanding figure and very charismatic and, of course, that dish you cooked – what can I say it should have been under a glass case in a museum.

  Anyhow very warm regards if ever you are passing by you are most welcome to stay the night.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. As for you being in the SAS in the war I have nothing but admiration for you, I will do my best to have a special medal struck for you.

  Sir Harry Secombe

  Surrey

  20 August 1998

  Dear Harry,

  Thank you so much for your book – I suppose now you want me to read it.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Mrs Kathryn Colvin

  Foreign and Commonwealth Office

  London SW1

  4 July 2000

  Dear Mrs Colvin,

  Would you thank The Queen for appointing me a KBE. Can you tell me what shape it is and what it is made of – leather, cardboard or metal? Do you carry it in your pocket or wear it around your neck with a piece of string?

  Anyway, I think the reason she gave it to me was that they looked in the Obituary Column and saw that I was not in it and thought it was time to give it to me.

  Thank you for sending it to me, but only just in time.

  Yours most sincerely,

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  3

  Politely Declined

  Sir Harry Secombe and his centre

  11 January 1983

  Sorry I can’t make it tonight owing to a previous commitment, I forget her name for the moment, will be forwarding it to you in good time.

  Love light and peace, Spike Milligan

  P. S. They are naming a new carsey after me at the Woolwich Royal Artillery Academy. It is being called Spike Milligan Shithouse. Free seats can be arranged through this office. Book now before the dysentery season.

  [William said he would lay on raw carrots at the lunch if Spike attended. Spike and his vegetarian bit.]

  7 January 1971

  William Davis Esq.

  Punch

  Dear Willy,

  Sorry couldn’t make the lunch, keep trying. Regarding your P. S. why lay on raw carrots, a divan is by far the more comfortable.

/>   Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Harrow Road Police Station

  1 September 1978

  Dear Lads,

  The petrol cap was knocked off during the carnival. I hear some of the lads had their caps knocked off as well. Drop in any time for tea, you are always welcome. Despite the knockers you are the best.

  As ever,

  Spike

  Metropolitan Police

  Harrow Road Police Station

  London W9

  4 September 1978

  Dear Spike,

  Sorry about the petrol cap.

  To help you to get over the loss I wonder if I can tempt you to our Senior Officers Luncheon Club on Monday, 2nd October, 1978 at Paddington Green Police Station.

  We are hoping it will be something of a ‘celebrity’ gathering. I have heard the names Harry Secombe and Jack Warner being mentioned with bated breath.

  If you would like to come (as the guest of the Harrow Road Police Senior officers), we would be delighted.

  Can I assure you that you would not be expected to ‘sing for your supper.’ We usually have a few drinks beforehand and a quite informal lunch terminating about 3 p.m.

  If you can accept I will confirm the details later. If you can’t come then perhaps some other time?

  Regards,

  C. F. Dinsdale

  Chief Superintendent

  Chief Superintendent Colin Dinsdale

  Metropolitan Police

  Harrow Road Police Station

  London W9

  11 September 1978

  Dear Chief Superintendent Dinsdale

  This is the situation. I would dearly love to get a free dinner on the Senior Police Officers on 2 October, but I fear you will have to give me a very long knife and fork because I will be in Tunisia that day planting a tree in a graveyard in Monistar (please believe me, it is all true).

  Anyhow, don’t let this deter you from asking me in future as hunger is one of my specialities.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Did you know policemen are numbered in case they get lost?

  Martin Leigh Esq.

  Education & Welfare Officer, & Festival Committee Organiser