Spike Milligan Read online

  19 November 1974

  Dear Mr Milligan,

  Spike Milligan Motors (Incarcerated)

  I was sorry to learn from your letter of 14th November, 1974 that you had the misfortune to have your car impounded twice in one day on your recent visit to Manchester.

  The removal of the vehicle is one (or should it be two?) thing but it is clear that we did not look after your other property at the pound as well as we might. I hope you will accept the contents of this parcel in the friendly spirit in which it is sent.

  The AA book and the London Street Guide are the latest editions, so maybe you have gained a bit of ground there.

  While I hope that your relations with the police have not come to breaking point or that your feelings are not unduly wounded, it is obvious from your letter that they have been strained, so you might find something to soothe the situation in the First Aid Kit.

  The latest increases in the price of oil (and the cost of posting a large can) rule out me sending anything more substantial than this small tin of three in one oil. As you can see from the diagram on the can it has multifarious uses, including the lubrication of bicycles, which might come in handy if you have the bad luck to lose your car again. The oil is also good for improving the performance of some crime prevention devices as well!

  As the many admirers of your talents in Greater Manchester (among whom I number myself) would never forgive the police if you were put off returning to Manchester by your experiences, I am enclosing a clutch of straws as you lost your last one on the 6th – the corn is a bonus!

  The Guide to Manchester shows the parking regulations and car parks and we all hope that should you soon come back to the North West, you will be able to avoid your car coming into our dragnet.

  Yours sincerely,

  R. S. Barratt

  Deputy Chief Constable

  R. S. Barratt Esq.

  Deputy Chief Constable

  Chief Constable’s Office

  Manchester

  27 November 1974

  Dear Lads,

  Ta; all is forgiven.

  I am now in the process of inventing an edible car. It would delight me to see a traffic warden approaching, and his astonished look as I gradually finished off the fenders, and bumpers, and with a dash of mustard, the steering wheel. I could then say the car was just passing through.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence

  Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Transport

  Peter Bottomley MP

  Department of Transport

  London SW1

  9 August 1988

  Dear Mr Bottomley,

  We don’t seem to have gotten anywhere with my idea for a drink and drive commercial whereas in the process I am afraid I have got into trouble. You see, I am possibly a busier man than you and I phoned the number given to me which is your direct line. A lady answered and instead of saying ‘Yes you can speak to him’ – ‘No you cannot speak to him’, there was a MI5 atmosphere in which she said ‘Who’s speaking.’ I said my name was Milligan. She did not seem to grasp it and after repeating it three times I spelled it for her.

  The next question was ‘What is the nature of your enquiry?’ I explained at long length the nature of my call and was then told you were on holiday. I then said ‘After spending five minutes answering your questions you now tell me he isn’t fucking well there!’

  I am sorry I exploded but I think it is imbecilic to ask a series of questions about things she can do nothing about and then to have been told the person I wanted to speak to is on holiday. Surely it would have been more intelligent to have told me that first. Anyway will you please tell her I am sorry.

  I will try again. My God, why am I doing this? I make much more money writing books. I think it is called being a public-spirited citizen. If you have a telephone number – a more direct line where I will not be interrogated – I will be very grateful to have it.

  Thank you very much,

  Spike Milligan

  Stewart K. Riddick and Partners

  Chartered architect & surveyors

  London N12

  21 July 1981

  Dear Mr Milligan

  Re 930 High Road

  Following our telephone conversation today, I wish to express my concern over your comment that you intend, if necessary, to break and enter the above premises – albeit you have confirmed the suggestion was made in jest. To avoid any further embarrassment I would like to place on record that should any information concerning the internal fabric of this building be obtained by yourselves or any third party, without my consent, then appropriate action will follow.

  I would re-emphasize that I have given my word that once we resolve the planning situation with regard to the building I would be willing to allow you to have access to the interior before any demolition takes place.

  Yours sincerely,

  Stewart K. Riddick

  [This building was being demolished. Spike wanted to retrieve a memento for a keepsake.]

  Stewart K. Riddick Esq.

  Stewart K. Riddick & Partners

  London N12

  22 July 1981

  Dear Mr Riddick,

  Pardon me for being alive. You must live a very desperate life, and by the sound of your letter I genuinely feel sorry for you.

  What was a simple request has become almost a legal issue, and what was said in jest to your secretary has been accepted as gospel.

  I already apologised to you, and apologise to her. I can’t do more than that, other than send my head on a plate, will that be all right.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Baffled at the human race

  P. S. Being a nice person, I will still press for an award for your building next to The Limes, I am a real bastard, aren’t I?

  Brian J. Holden Esq.

  Chief Executive Officer

  Cromwell Hospital

  London SW5

  2 December 1985

  Dear Mr Holden,

  I would like to object to the ridiculous and embarrassing inadequate garments that your hospital supplies for people having X-rays. You should supply full length dressing gowns; otherwise these garments are a total embarrassment, and also what makes them idiotic is the fact that they fasten at the back, and this is impossible when you are alone in a cubicle. Why they are made like this is beyond my comprehension and should be beyond yours.

  I don’t expect you will do a bloody thing about it, but on principle, I write when I think something is wrong.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Cromwell Hospital

  London SW5

  9 January 1986

  Dear Mr Milligan,

  I am very sorry that I have not been able to reply sooner to your letter of the 2nd December. Unfortunately, it arrived while I was on vacation and somehow surfaced only recently.

  The comment you make is certainly justified and having been an xray patient myself recently I would agree that a light gown does leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed and we are indeed looking at alternatives to see if we can find something better.

  These particular gowns are, in fact, designed to be done up at the front to avoid the problem you mentioned but the benefit of this design feature is rather lost if our staff do not take the trouble to inform the wearers of the gowns of this intention. I certainly apologize for our staffs’ shortcomings and the matter has been discussed at a staff meeting of the Radiology Department to remind them.

  I do appreciate you taking the time to comment on this problem as it does enable us to correct a flaw in the service we provide. I trust that should you find it necessary to use the Cromwell again we will be better prepared to provide the appropriate standard of service.

  Yours sincerely,

  Brian J. Holden

  Chief Executive Officer

  Brian J. Holden Esq.


  Chief Executive Officer

  Cromwell Hospital

  London SW5

  15 January 1986

  Dear Brian,

  So, it sounds like I get the same bloody gown again.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Readers Digest

  17 November 1975

  Dear Sir,

  For your College Rag page the following story might be worthy of your £50 offer for an anecdote.

  An officer who I met during the war Lieutenant Reginald Davies told me of a time when he was at Jesus College. During the Christmas Vacs. he alas stayed on as he had nowhere to go. On Christmas morning he awoke in his room all alone and proceeded to carry out the following joke. He ’phoned the gatehouse of Jesus College and the old attendant answered the ’phone and said ‘Jesus’. Whereupon he heard a voice sing ‘Happy Birthday to you’.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Telegram to: Paul McCracken

  The Manager

  Gresham Hotel

  Dublin

  11 May 1993

  I believe the suite I am to stay in is now called the Elizabeth Taylor Suite, will she be there. Would you ask her to take up a bacchanalian position in the brass bed.

  I ask one significant question what has she ever done for Ireland certainly not me.

  WR

  SM

  [After all that, he didn’t get the suite.]

  The Chairman

  Harrods Ltd

  London SW1

  26 January 1966

  Dear Sir,

  I am being badgered into paying the enclosed bill. I decided to pay this bill at the same rate at which Harrods did the job, overall it took two years from the first phone call until the final completion of the job during which time I spent no less than 24 of my working hours attending workmen on the site who had come with insufficient instructions and also left all their paraphernalia in the front garden after the job was finished.

  No I will pay this bill in the way I think fit and if you wish to take me to court I have a complete analysis of the work and I will be only too glad to let the press know how the work was done.

  Yours faithfully,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike wasn’t allowed to sign contracts. This was him in mischief mood.]

  [Typical telegram. The game: guess the date.]

  [Buttons arrived in the mail to Spike without a letter.]

  [Smarty pants.]

  [Spike was questioned going into Spain. Passport photo had a beard. By the time he went to Spain he was clean shaven and there was a dispute about allowing him entry.]

  Tony Aspler Esq.

  Sunday Times Magazine

  4 May 1970

  Dear Mr Aspler,

  I am sending two of my passports. One taken in Naples. ‘See Naples and die!’ they say. My photograph verifies this belief, and shows me ‘Lord Byron’ like on the point of death.

  Passport photograph number two shows me having recovered from death in Naples, and due for an encore. Note the despair with the beard. It cost me a headache. When I presented it to the Spanish Authorities, I was clean shaven. They kept me under house arrest until the beard grew long enough to match the despair photograph, by which time my holiday was over.

  Give Franco the rock! I say. Right on his bloody head!

  Yours sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Letter to a newspaper after reading a letter from W. Finlay (unknown to Spike) complaining about metres instead of feet.]

  [Note at bottom of doctor’s bill:

  ‘These accounts are prepared by microcomputer and the system can only function accurately if your cheque exactly matches the total fee shown. If in doubt please contact Fiona.’!]

  Dr Martin Scurr

  24 February 1982

  Dear Martin,

  Reference the note at the bottom of your bill. Please note that this bill is paid by a computer called Spike Milligan, and unless the figures on this cheque tally with the amount, two things will happen:

  a) you have overcharged me.

  b) or he has overpaid you, either of these will do for you.

  However, if option (c) occurs, that is you have undercharged me, and (d) I pay the under-charge, it’s three points to me and my computer.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. I saw a human being today.

  [Martin was Spike’s doctor, and he drove him mad, they were great friends. Spike was very fond of him.]

  [He sent his personal copies of the Goon Show scripts to auction. This was his note to Christie’s.]

  [Elton John bought the scripts, and Spike was delighted. ‘They’ve found a good home from one neurotic to another.’]

  2

  Hobnobbing

  Mr Robert Maxwell MC, MP

  Centre 42 Appeal

  London W1

  21 April 1965

  Dear Robert Maxwell,

  I write to tell you how delighted I am on your becoming Treasurer to the Council of the Management of Centre 42 Appeal.

  I, myself, had almost lost faith in the financial hierarchy, who seldom seemed to assist real, new and exciting ideals. Normally the financial wisemen, only concern themselves with scholastic appeals or introducing massive finance for art galleries and other popular prestige occasions. I am glad to welcome you down to earth again.

  Yours sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Tom Courtenay Esq.

  c/o Peter Rawley

  London WC2

  7 November 1966

  Dear Tom Courtenay,

  Thank you for your letter; of course it comes better from somebody of your professional standing, then one knows the praise is given in a professional sense and, therefore, much more valuable.

  Perhaps we could meet and have lunch one day, or dinner after the show, just to chat.

  Regards as ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Peter Brook

  London W8

  4 April 1967

  Dear Spike,

  Of course it’s true, of course you won’t believe it.

  I am going away for several months this week but hope to see you when the right wind blows.

  And I would love it to blow us into work together.

  Love from Natasha,

  Peter Brook

  Peter Brook Esq.

  London W8

  5 April 1967

  Dear Peter,

  I can’t help but laugh; did you really mean it when you said ‘I am going away for several months this week’, how you can get several months into one week is a phenomena, the secret of which I would like to know.

  Love from Spike and Natasha

  Peter O’Toole

  London NW3

  1 June 1967

  Most Spikey,

  I will cure you of your theatrical leprosy. I will be standing behind a camera shouting and shrieking and bullying everybody (because I feel it’s my turn) next year with a film of Brendan Behan’s only novel ‘THE SCARPERER’ and I shall make a definite point of bellowing abuse at you.

  My orthopaedic surgeon who deals with slipped discs tells me that most of his clients are osteopaths.

  You are a lovely sort of fellow.

  Yours, in the Blood of the Lamb,

  The Reverend O’Toole, S. J.

  P. S. There must be two Gods because I got pissed with one the other night and he’s never been on a bus.

  Peter O’Toole Esq.

  London NW3

  2 August 1967

  Dear Peter,

  You won’t forget me, will you?

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  Peter O’Toole

  London NW3

  11 August 1967

  Dear Spike,

  No.

  Regards,

  Peter O’Toole

  Peter O’Toole Esq.

  London NW3

&n
bsp; 17 August 1967

  Dear Peter,

  Good.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Like what’s with this green ink man, don’t tell me you are going mouldy.

  Johnny Speight Esq.

  Middlesex

  18 June 1968

  Eric and I have agreed we would like to do a Comedy Playhouse, based upon him being a North Country Foreman at some kind of works, and I a Pakistani, who works under him.

  This is a love hate relationship. The Pakistani lives in the same house and fancies Eric’s daughter, and, of course, comes the question of ‘I don’t want my daughter to marry a black man’.

  Anyhow, we thought if you would like to write it, and needless to say we might add one or two touches ourselves – just so you don’t get all the glory!

  Regards, as ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Miss Hattie Jacques

  London SW5

  25 November 1968

  Dear Hattie,

  Bad news; I am not a good cook. Thought you ought to know as early as possible before you start sending me empty plates to fill.

  It was great news about the money you raised.

  Regards, as ever,

  Spike

  Barry Humphries Esq.

  Melbourne

  Australia

  1 June 1970

  Dear Barry,

  How nice to find out that you left the country without saying Goodbye.

  I presume the reason is so you can use my name and have your own series called The Spike Milligan Show in Melbourne.

  Anyhow, are you coming back? If you are, let me know when because I have an idea for a series which I think could be both remunerative and funny.

  Needless to say, you will get Top Billing and my name will be in small print at the bottom.

  Let me know.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  André Previn

  10 January 1972

  Dear Spike,