Spike Milligan Read online

  University of Keele

  Students Union

  14 June 1983

  Dear Friends,

  I write this letter within one hour of arriving back from Australia. Owing to the sheer weight of work ahead of me, I can’t accept your generous offer to open the Keele Festival Week, or attend the Summer Ball, my own personal summer balls are about to drop off.

  Hope you have a great time, I will keep fighting for lost causes.

  My regards to all the Students, tell them the main problem is population.

  One of them,

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Laurence Broderick Esq.

  Thane Studios

  Bedfordshire

  5 July 1983

  Dear Laurence,

  Oh that I have the wit to appreciate this situation. The day on which you are exhibiting, I am having an operation on my eyes, I could attend with a white stick and bang your sculptures around the buttocks shouting ‘this sounds bloody good’.

  I wish you success for the occasion.

  My God, isn’t the world crying out for beautiful things these days. I have been looking for a beautiful thing for quite a time now, as I haven’t one of my own.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Anne Hillyer

  Time Out

  29 July 1986

  Dear Anne,

  I won’t be up there – but Daley Thompson will, you can tell the difference he is a darker shade of pale and I am no longer a British citizen and he is.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike still being bitter after he had been refused a British passport. Over twenty years ago.]

  Billy Connolly Esq.

  9 July 1982

  Dear Billy,

  Unable to see you after the show owing to a severe attack of haemorrhoids. I was outraged that a man like myself who has practical haemorrhoids was not cast in your role. I know for a fact, from your army records, that you have not got piles and, therefore, I would hope you would resign this role in place of a man who is perfectly suited for the part, with an electric hand Truss, knitted by Nuns from the Poor Clare Order.

  I really enjoyed the evening.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Wilfred Josephs Esq.

  9 November 1982

  Dear Wilfred,

  Sheer pressure of work has made it difficult for me to:

  a) invite you to dinner

  b) come and see you

  c) ask you for money.

  I am still trying.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Christopher Kelly Esq.

  The Union Society

  Cambridge

  3 May 1988

  Dear Christopher,

  Thank you for writing to me before I died, they were just screwing the coffin lid on when your letter came through. I can’t understand this motion that there is regret about the Roman Empire falling, there must be some mistake, only this morning the Tenth Legion marched through Ticehurst on their way to a museum, none of them appeared to be falling, there’s something wrong somewhere.

  Sorry I can’t make it, but I didn’t make Sophia Loren either.

  Warm regards,

  Spike Milligan

  Mr A. D. Stanbridge

  East Sussex

  11 October 1988

  Dear Andrew,

  Thank you for your letter of 5th October. Alas I am not living at Ticehurst anymore and actually I am not interested in football ever since I had my head split open by one. Since then the rain has been coming in and I have no roof to my mouth and I have spent my time drowning.

  Sorry about the disappointment.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  [An invitation to attend the local football club. Spike had been living in Ticehurst.]

  General Secretary

  Variety Artists Association

  Twickenham

  4 November 1988

  Dear Secretary,

  I am sorry I cannot attend the dinner on 27th December. My teeth are away being re-ground.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Tatler Publishing Company Ltd

  London W1

  6 December 1988

  Dear Suzanne Baker (nee Stella Artois),

  My manager told me about this venture in the Tatler Magazine, alas, I have suddenly become brain damaged in the knee, I have thought about it, and she has thought about it, and would you believe we both came up with the same word, NO. Sorry to disappoint you someone has to.

  Thanks for the offer.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Foyle’s booksellers invited Spike to the book launch of Harry Secombe’s autobiography.]

  Cameron Robson Esq.

  President

  The Union Society

  Cambridge

  25 January 1990

  Dear Cameron,

  Thank you for your letter of 10th January. I would be useless at this debate primarily because I have been dead for 24 years now. Apart from that, I hate scientists and I hate artists. In fact, I hate everybody including you, do tell them that is why I am not at the debate.

  Can the whole University please stand on the hour of midnight and think of me, it might cure my haemorrhoids, you never know.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  John Warburton Esq.

  Kellogg International

  Algeria

  10 May 1993

  Dear John,

  Of course it is quite natural for people to go to Algeria and write asking for anecdotes about their father before he dies (you don’t have a date for that do you) and are Kelloggs in Algeria now making Arab and Camel Kelloggs.

  The only anecdote I have about your father is that he instructed us, at a camp in Tunisia where we had attacked the Kelloggs factory, and said ‘Stop, do not fire on that warehouse one day it will be my son’s livelihood, they are sending him there to write an obituary about my forthcoming death’.

  I’m sorry I can’t help you more because I don’t want to.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Total failure

  [One of thousands of letters Spike received, asking for an anecdote to include in a book about his father.]

  Part Two

  MILLIGAN ON A MISSION

  4

  Pulling Strings

  The Beatles

  c/o George Martin Esq.

  20 April 1966

  Dear Lads,

  I did write a letter to you all via the Epstein office and I have the feeling that you have not received it, so this time I am passing the letter to you via George Martin.

  What it was all about was Ian MacPhail, the Head of Save the Wildlife Fund, asked me if it was possible for me to approach you with a view to doing a cabaret at the Wildlife Ball on July 1st. If you can do it I am certainly willing to throw in myself as well and as I consider this Organisation of vital importance to mankind, I was hoping you would see your way clear to doing something. In any case I would love to meet you all for a very worthwhile charity called the Make Spike Milligan a Millionaire Charity, which I think is a splendid idea.

  Anyhow could you drop me a line saying you are interested in one or the other.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  Peter Scott CBE, DSC

  The Wildfowl Trust

  Gloucestershire

  1 May 1970

  Dear Peter,

  No need to reply to this letter, so stop worrying.

  Briefly, I did contact Harold Wilson (Prime Minister of no particular direction), and suggested that might be remembered in the Birthday Honours. I explained the tremendous amount of work that gets through in a year, and his tremendous zeal and energy, he not only works mentally, but actually goes out on ‘safaris’ with young children. On top o
f which he edits Wildlife Youth Service, writes articles, sets ups appeals for funds, all in all does a magnificent job of work.

  Harold Wilson wrote back and said he would consider him. Alas, he did not include him in the Birthday Honours, but when I saw Kenny Lynch had got the OBE, it did make me think that Harold Wilson (Prime Minister of no particular direction) had got his priorities wrong.

  I know Kenny Lynch and I know , and I know damn well which one deserved the Honour.

  I wonder then Peter, if you, in your capacity as our God Head, could drop a note to Harold Wilson, suggesting it might be a good thing to consider in the Birthday Honours.

  You might also apply to him for a Knighthood for me, and a bursary of say £30,000, with access to Princess Anne, after dark.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  HRH The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

  Buckingham Palace

  30 September 1970

  Dear Prince Philip,

  It’s that old Irish roue again (don’t tell me you have guessed).

  I have a request to make of you (no, it is not the next dance). During Mr Harold Wilson’s period of office I approached him regarding Birthday Honours, with a view to including among the Awards. Alas, before I got an answer he suffered from a severe attack of election.

  I then wrote to the incoming Prime Minister, namely Ted ‘Anyone-for-Europe’ Heath, making the same request. Knowing how notoriously fey Prime Ministers are I have been getting a round robin and collecting names. Peter Scott is sponsoring like Ian McPhail and myself.

  I am writing to you, not to include your name on the list, but if you could bear in mind I am sure that this name is deserving of an Award. He puts in a twelve-hour day, and if you were to see one of his diaries you would realise that he is doing the work of three men.

  I do hope that you might be able to help in any way that you think possible.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike

  P. S. Did you know that there are no laundromats in Peru?

  HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

  Buckingham Palace

  12 July 1971

  Dear Prince Philip,

  During the last Birthday Honours got a gong; I don’t know, if as a result of my letter to you, you had a hand in this, if you did thank you very much.

  If you didn’t I shall never play the Prince and the pauper with you again.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Interesting news about you going to Hungary, I know a beauty spot in Budapest 36" 24" 36".

  The Rt. Hon Edward Heath MBE, MA, MP

  10 Downing Street

  London SW1

  17 July 1970

  Dear Mr Heath,

  Congratulations on your success. That’s the softener upper.

  When Mr Wilson was in office I suggested that he consider for a Birthday Honour, something in the OBE price range.

  was the founder of the Panda Club, which is the junior department of the World Wildlife Fund. He works seven days a week, 12 hours a day, and is an absolute inspiration to the young people whom he serves so completely.

  When Kenny Lynch got the OBE I thought it was high time that got one as well.

  I do hope you will consider this in your next Honours List,

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike’s persistence paid off. He got one.]

  Harold Evans Esq.

  Sunday Times

  13 November 1974

  Dear Harold,

  I have just heard, via the grapevine, that you might be suing Private Eye. I know this magazine is awfully naughty and likes nothing better than stirring up trouble, and pointing evil fingers at the innocent; but I find it difficult to really get angry enough to have to sue. They do actually find facts which are true, but when they haven’t got enough copy they are inclined to fish around, and say things like ‘Spike Milligan is a puff, and dined privately last night with Danny la Rue, who remained dressed as a woman’. (This was true, but I’m not a puff – and I don’t fancy Danny la Rue).

  The thing is they don’t have the sort of money to stand up to libel, and in an age when papers are folding up, I would feel sorry if they were driven out of publishing. I always treat them like rather boozy University types, at Rag. Mag time.

  So, I beg you not to sue them, it’s best to forget all about it, very much like Jesus: ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do’.

  Anyhow, we met once as you remember, and I am still in great admiration for you for the forthright approach your newspaper has towards problems – if nothing else you can rest on your laurels for the tremendous effort you made over the Thalidomide case, without you they would have got nothing.

  Anyhow, I keep threatening to have dinner with you, and I hope I will be able to do this before Christmas.

  Regards as ever,

  Spike Milligan

  HRH The Prince of Wales KG, KT

  Buckingham Palace

  8 July 1981

  Dear lad! what a predicament your invitation has placed me in! I am an ardent supporter and member of all anti-blood sports organisations, and their committees have written requesting that I do not attend the Wedding. You know I have written to you in the past urging you to become the first person in the Royal House to reject blood sports. Your secretary replied saying ‘The Prince says this is a very controversial subject’. (100 marks to you for evasiveness).

  Now, I know you are a very nice lad, and we all love you very much, and I want you to know that if I don’t attend the wedding, I beg you not to cancel it – just make a formal announcement from the Main Altar, ‘My Lords, Ladies, etc. etc. despite Spike Milligan not being here, I’m still going through with it’.

  However, I have written to all the committees concerned and said would it not be better to remain on friendly terms than offer a rebuff. That is, if ever we meet socially I could discuss blood sports in a non-confrontation manner, and who knows with Lady Di’s help, we might yet make you the first President of the Royal Anti Bloodsports Society. We live by our beliefs in what is right. My Hunt Saboteurs are beaten up, sometimes seriously, I can’t let them down – I pray you to understand, therefore, if I don’t attend the wedding. However, as a result of my letter to them, they might come up and say ‘OK go’.

  Now to affairs of state. As to a Wedding Present, would you like India back? or would you take Southall or Brixton as a token, they say there are some buildings still standing there. The Governors Palace is only a temporary prefab, but the tin roof appears to be reasonably sound. The Vice Regal Throne at the moment is temporarily a Lipton’s Tea Chest, with a powerful cardboard backing, with a Royal Escutcheon in Wog. You can get a fine view of the riots, and they have them every day, matinees on Wednesdays. It’s a great show with a cast of thousands, some of them are very High Caste. Just to be on the safe side for ascending this throne, a complete blacking up kit is available from your ADC.

  Do let me know if the present is OK for you, and I will order it from Harrods.

  Apart from the frivolity, do let me know you understand my predicament.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  HRH Prince of Wales KG, KT

  Kensington Palace

  25 October 1989

  My dear valuable human being,

  I was delighted to see you are to make a documentary on the environment. You know that the world as it is (it’s not round it’s bent) and what you will say is possibly the most important thing, on this subject, you will ever have to say, so I beg of you to include strongly in this subject the crushing threat of population which lies at the base of all our problems. You may or may not know that the population of this country is going up by another two million by 1999 and that is only an estimate (personally I think it is much higher, say another two million on top of that).

  I have thought of this problem since I was a young boy in
India and watched the poverty of the masses, at that time there were 300 million in India it is now going on for a billion and four-fifths of them are now accepting living in poverty as the norm and China, despite the one child policy, rises one million a year. Somebody has to say something about this in strong terms. Of course, biologically and emotionally the human race has never faced up to this problem before and they have to face up to it very very soon as we are now living in injury time.

  I won’t preach further but believe me I have had a prophetic view of mankind since I was a little boy and I am absolutely positive I am right in what I say – I beg you to accept that, so please remember when you speak again.

  No need to answer this.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated over the telephone and signed in his absence

  P. S. Please excuse typing – it’s not mine.

  HRH Prince of Wales KG KT

  York House

  St James’s Palace

  3 June 1993

  Dear Prince Charles

  Many years ago I took two years restoring the Elfin Oak tree in Kensington Gardens. It has been allowed to get into a dilapidated state and nobody in any Government departments is interested in it. It is a great pity because it was a little masterpiece.

  I was wondering, through the Prince of Wales Trust, if you might gather together some students who are sculptures and painters in their last year and promote them financially to restore the tree. I do not know the sort of money that it would need but I should imagine about £10,000 to £20,000 to make a good job of it.

  If you can’t make up your mind there is always Beachy Head.

  Warm regards,

  Spike Milligan

  HRH Prince of Wales KG KT

  York House

  St James’s Palace

  1 September 1995

  Dear Precarious balanced Prince of Wales,

  I thought I would report on the Elfin Oak. The English Heritage have done bugger all and I am going to try and raise the money from the National Lottery. They have had a quote from a company to restore it for £60,000, it would be very sad to see the tree disappear completely.