Spike Milligan Read online

  Edited by Norma Farnes

  SPIKE MILLIGAN: MAN OF LETTERS

  Contents

  Introduction

  PART ONE: A Man of Letters

  1 Assorted Misunderstandings

  2 Hobnobbing

  3 Politely Declined

  PART TWO: Milligan on a Mission

  4 Pulling Strings

  5 Hammering at the Door

  6 Letters to the Editor

  7 In Defence of Animals

  8 Here is the Dilemma

  PART THREE: Writing it Off

  9 Internal Mail

  10 The Rise and Fall of Oblomov

  11 Publish and Be Damned

  12 The Jimmy Verner Affair

  13 Broadcasting – His Opinions

  14 Crunching the Numbers

  PART FOUR: Words of Support

  15 Man of the People

  16 Mental Health

  17 Love, Light and Peace

  Illustrations

  Acknowledgements

  Follow Penguin

  I would like to dedicate this book to the

  Saint and Saintess

  aka

  Ashley and Gordon Blakeway

  For everything.

  Foreword

  I’ver always wished to be a man of letters. Well apparently this book does it for me. Unbeknown to me my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time I have been working for her. Time and time again she would come into my office when I was concentrating on a TV show, or a book and she would say ‘You must rest, relax, why not write a letter to The Times or someone?’, anything to stop me working. I would do her bidding. On the basis of this she is abiut to become rich. However I forgive her, and I will be back in the office next Monday morning working for her as usual.

  [Spike’s original foreword to the first volume of his letters, published in 1977.]

  Introduction

  ‘Norma, my name is Will Hammond. I’m an editor at Viking Publishing.’

  Me: ‘Y-e-e-e-s?’ Wondering what he wanted from me.

  ‘I’ve been looking through our back catalogue and I’d like to talk to you about your books – The Spike Milligan Letters, Volumes One and Two.’

  I knew he would want something. They always do.

  We talked for a while and then I told him that in 1994 I had started to collate Volume Three and was possibly two-thirds of the way through that volume. I had not looked at it since that time because a million other things had taken over called life, and as Eric Sykes would say, ‘It got put on the back burner.’

  Will Hammond became full of enthusiasm and wanted to meet me. At the time I was frantically busy so we arranged a meeting three weeks hence. Mind you, he didn’t tell me how charming he was and how devastatingly good-looking he is, or I would have cancelled everything and arranged to meet him the next day. What a pity he’s not ten years younger!!!

  Back to The Spike Milligan Letters. Volume One came about because I was going through a sticky patch and Spike wanted to help me. Remember he was once a flypaper (his, not mine).

  This is an extract from my introduction to the first volume and I think it explains everything: ‘I was going through a pretty bad patch – a divorce – Spike had been through it all, and knew the mental strain only too well. When he discovered I had to pay out money to stay in the flat I was living in – he was horrified. And, one morning, when all this was going on, he came into my office and said, “How are you off for bread? – badly, I’ll bet – well I’ll have to think of a way you can earn some extra,” and walked out of the office.

  ‘I had a lot on my mind at the time, and completely forgot all about it. Until about three or four days later, Spike came into my office and said, “I’ve been thinking about your bread situation,” and I said, “Don’t bother, I’ll get a night job,” and he said, “seriously, Norm, why don’t you go through my files and collate some of my letters – ask the publisher if he is interested in putting them into a book. They might sell, and at least they will tide you over for a bit.”

  ‘And that’s how it all started. Mind you, there was a condition. He didn’t want to know anything about it, didn’t want to be asked an opinion, didn’t want to see the choice of letters, or be asked any questions at all (which you can imagine was difficult, making my own choice from thousands of letters he writes every year, to all and sundry). And the position it put me in. A truly magnanimous gesture on his part, and what if he didn’t approve, because he still hasn’t a clue of what is going into the book – what a position to be in? All he has ever said is, “Surprise me, and give me the first copy when it’s ready.” ’

  So when I bought a new car in 1994, Spike said to Eric, ‘She’s committed financial suicide again, she’s bought herself a new car and I’ve told her she had better start on Volume Three, I thought I’d better warn you.’

  So here it is. A handful of the letters in the following pages appeared in those two previous volumes. The rest have never been reproduced before.

  I’m sitting at my desk flicking through Volume One and I’m smiling at some of the letters and notes. How did we live through all that drama and, more importantly, how did we survive?

  After what seems like a thousand years, it’s amazing that I can still smile at some of what I call Spike’s ‘Golden Moments’. To me some of them are worth repeating and I’d like to include a few notes alongside the letters. I’ll mark them and I hope they may make you smile – if they make you laugh it’s a bonus.

  It’s eleven years since Spike died (26 February 2002) and people still ask me, ‘Do you miss him?’

  Reading through the letters and notes in this book, how could I not? Of course I miss the old sod.

  Norma Farnes

  16 April 2013*

  Part One

  A MAN OF LETTERS

  1

  Assorted Misunderstandings

  R. B. Hodges Esq.

  The Director

  Lyons/Tetley Limited

  Greenford

  Middlesex

  4 April 1990

  Dear Mr Hodges,

  I can’t imagine why you changed square tea bags to round ones because despite this change the tea still tastes the same, is it supposed to. Perhaps if you try an oblong one.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Lyons Tetley Limited

  Greenford

  Middlesex

  3 May 1990

  Dear Spike,

  Many thanks for your letter and interest in our product.

  Five years ago we started to develop our Round Tetley Teabag in secret. It all began with a belief that the shape would really appeal to consumers. Since the launch last year 1 million new buyers have confirmed that our instincts were right. People really do prefer the new round bags and many of them also feel they make a better brew.

  You’ve certainly set us thinking about the oblong, although we feel at the moment our consumers are unlikely to find that as appealing as a round Tetley Teabag.

  Thank you once again for writing and I hope you enjoy the selection of Lyons Tetley products which are enclosed with my compliments.

  With best wishes.

  Yours sincerely,

  Ken Pringle

  Marketing Director

  Ken Pringle Esq.

  Marketing Director

  Lyons Tetley Limited

  Greenford

  Middlesex

  23 May 1990

  Dear Ken,

  Can you tell me when you changed from square to round, what did you do with the corners.

  Sincerely,

>   Spike Milligan

  Lyons Tetley Limited

  Greenford

  Middlesex

  12 June 1990

  Dear Spike,

  Thank you for your continued interest in our round Tetley teabags.

  To produce these is not simply a case of cutting the corners off our old square bags. The process is slightly more complex than that, but any excess material that does result is carefully disposed of.

  Yours sincerely,

  K. Pringle

  Marketing Director

  Ian Anthony Esq.

  British Broadcasting Corporation

  1 April 1982

  Dear Ian,

  Thank you for making a glorious cock-up of the timings between Australia and England, which resulted in phoning my brother whilst he was asleep, and possibly the worst fucking interview I have ever had in my life.

  We must do it again sometime.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Ian Anthony replied: ‘I don’t know which of the bastards I work with gave you my name, but I had nothing to do with arranging your interview’, and he suggested they had dinner.]

  Ian Anthony Esq.

  20 April 1982

  Dear Ian,

  Mea Culpa. So, the cock up about the cock ups are still going on.

  Yes, I would love you to take me to dinner, and you can tell me (a) who you are, (b) how dare you have a sense of humour and work for a crowd of creeps like the BBC, and (c) I can tell you why I have a sense of humour and work for a crowd of creeps like the BBC, and (d) I can possibly glean some stories for my final book ‘Aunty’ which is now reaching massive proportions and should demolish the whole of the BBC on the first day of publication.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Daily Mail

  22 May 1973

  Dear Sir,

  Your front page story May 22 suggested Peter Sellers and Liza Minnelli are having an affair. This is an outrageous lie. Peter and I have been secretly engaged for twelve years and we are to be married in the spring as soon after the operation as possible.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  HRH The Prince of Wales KGKT

  Buckingham Palace

  11 October 1988

  Dear Prince Charles,

  Serious for once. I have been commissioned by The Mail on Sunday to write an article on you. Of course I have ensured it is fair and just and no media hype. And to obey with courtesy, I sent a copy of the article to your Press Secretary, Philip McKie. (My God what a lunatic! Where did you get him from?) I mean, never mind shooting stags in the Highlands, you should have shot him. Anyhow I heard this lunatic ‘has gone’ and the silly sod has mislaid the article I sent him to get your clearance. So I got my Manager to telephone the Palace and she has spoken to Dicky Arbiter and he is trying to locate Philip McKie to let you see the article.

  I just thought I would let you know that it’s your end that has cocked it up.

  CHARLES HAS COCKED IT UP AGAIN SAYS ARCH GOON SPIKE MILLIGAN. DRUNKEN SCOTTISH McGONAGALL-TYPE PRESS SECRETARY ABSCONDS WITH INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS AND A ROLE OF INTIMATE FILM SHOWING PRINCE CHARLES’ UNUSED TOILET PAPER!

  It is still the best country.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The Rt. Hon. Barbara Castle MP

  Minister of Transport

  c/o The House of Commons

  London SW1

  15 March 1968

  Dear Barbara Castle,

  Recently I lost my licence, having passed the Breathysler Test with flying colours.

  In the case for the Prosecution, they said I was not drunk, but my alcohol content was above the lawful one.

  Losing a licence for an ordinary 9a.m. to 5p.m. man in the street is not that difficult to live with, but in my case where I am moving from place to place non stop, it’s becoming very very difficult, and expensive for me.

  An ordinary day, a hire car picks me up at Finchley and takes me to my office £2. 0s. 0d. Taxi from office to rehearsal rooms 6/-d. As the rehearsal rooms are in an area miles away from taxis, I have to get a mini cab on the phone, as there is no phone in the building in which I am rehearsing, I have to go out and phone to take a car to take me back to the office 8/-d. Another private car to take me home at night, another £2. 0s. 0d. which is nearly £5. 0s. 0d. per day on cars. Then from home a car to the BBC to do a Late Night Show, and likewise a car back.

  You can see the sort of day this is. This is having a great strain upon me, what with cars not turning up on time, and in this light it’s affecting my work and my pocket alike.

  Is there no way you can see fit, and I am speaking as a very law abiding citizen, who is not stupid enough to consume any alcohol in future before driving, if I could apply for the licence back earlier.

  If I could come and talk to you, or meet you. I am not an irresponsible person, trying to get my licence back because I am too lazy to take the tube (it’s a place I cannot travel on without getting clobbered for autographs).

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  Viscount Brentford

  Automobile Association

  London WC2

  7 January 1972

  Dear Sir,

  Recently I arrived at my office to find that my car had had all four tyres let down by some joker.

  I am a member of the AA, so I phoned them and a man came and charged me £1.85 for pumping up the tyres. This does not make me too happy as I am a member of the AA and I would like to know what are the circumstances which oblige me to pay a fee, when, in fact, the car was at my office and not outside my home, which makes it like a breakdown on any highway.

  I would like to know, was I supposed to pay.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Metropolitan Police

  Central Ticket Office

  London W1

  23 May 1973

  Dear Sirs,

  I have today received a Parking Fine to be paid for my car. It states on 28.02.73 Frith Street W.1. Car Registration No. is HYT 927K.

  On 27th February my car was stolen and I reported this to the Police at Harrow Road, W2. The Police informed me that it had not been towed away as they had checked and I had to report it as stolen. On 28th February I was informed by the Harrow Road Police that my car had been found in Frith Street and I had to go to a pound near Kings Cross and I would be able to collect it. In fact, on this particular day I was recording a show and my Manager, Miss Norma Farnes went along to the pound near Kings Cross, I believe it was Panton Street, NW1 and collected the car. She was told that there would be nothing to pay as the car had been stolen and when the car was collected there was a parking fine on the car but I did not pay it because of the circumstances.

  Perhaps you would be good enough to let me know, due to the circumstances that the car was stolen, whether in fact I have to pay this fine No. 04 418 651 89 3. I look forward to hearing from you.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  The Chief Clerk

  Marylebone Magistrates Court

  London W1

  3 July 1973

  Dear Sir,

  On 29th June 1973 I went for an early morning swim at the Serpentine, Hyde Park. I returned after twenty minutes to find my car, which had been parked in the space provided next to Fortes Restaurant, with a parking fine on it. Now then, this car park is (a) off the main road, (b) there are no yellow lines, (c) there are no parking meters, (d) there was room for me to park along with the other cars parked there which I did. I discovered that there are small notices on the outskirts of this car park which are not easily discernible when parking in the car park which say, ‘no parking allowed before 11 o’clock’. Tell me, what is the point of having an empty car park before 11.00 a.m.? To set up a car park to keep cars out until after 11.00 a.m. is asinine, to have an empty car park in a choked city i
s to increase the congestion, an empty space where a car should be parked is contrary to organization and common sense, in other words what is the point of having an empty car park?

  Again, if they had a large notice at the entrance of the car park which you could not miss when you went in, saying ‘no parking until after 11.00 a.m.’ this would also help the situation.

  As I say, it is outrageous, therefore I have no intention of paying the fine, I will not be in Court on the day requested and I shall not pay any extra fine as the result of my non-appearance, therefore your only way out is to send me to prison. I will gladly do this and make use of the media television and newspapers to put my point of view.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  William Davis Esq.

  Punch Magazine

  8 October 1974

  Dear Bill,

  I am sending you another photograph. The one you keep publishing makes me feel I am suffering from a severed head.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The Chief Constable

  Greater Manchester Police

  14 November 1974

  Dear Sir,

  Police Car Pound – Rochdale Road.

  Manchester

  This is to let you know that on the second time my car was towed away, in two days, somebody at the Rochdale Car Pound took the contents of my car and put them into a plastic bag.

  Among the contents was a tin of lubricating oil, which was opened at the top, the result was everything was covered with oil, it was the last straw for me in Manchester.

  Thank you very much for ruining my AA book, my Street Map Guide to London and my first aid kit. If I never come to Manchester again, it will be two weeks too soon for me.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence

  Greater Manchester Police

  Chief Constable’s Office