Spike Milligan Read online

  There’s a tremendous environmental lobby growing in this country, it could be to our advantage.

  I could give you lots of statistics and figures, but just believe me Michael.

  Part two of the Gospel according to Milligan.

  Mixing with people on a large ratio as I go around the world, I always talk to people about problems, and I notice one that was lurking among the labour voters; the right to choose if they wanted private medicine or education, and I must point out to you that on a television programme, some 18 months ago, you were consulted by a working class lady, who asked for the right to send her kids to a Private School, when she and her husband had saved the money, and you must have lost a couple of million votes, because you did waffle about the level of state school education getting better all the time, and she went away, as I did, not entirely convinced. This on a democratic basis should be allowed to the labour supporters; I am certain this lost us a lot of votes, it nearly lost mine, it was only because I am faithful to Socialism that I didn’t, but then my children have already grown up, and been to Private Schools. There’s millions of young Socialist couples who are going to have children, who might desire private education for their children – who are they going to vote for Michael?

  Anyhow, I end this, do think about this, I know that the Socialist Party is a good idea and has good ideas, but as Hamlet said ‘a good idea must give way to a better one’.

  The ultimate meaning of life is that we live on a finite planet, the present political course is infinity, this is very unfair on future generations.

  I hope you continue in the firebrand capacity from the back benches, as you did when Wilson was in power, which was so effective he was forced to pull you in to Government.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The President of the United States of America

  The White House

  Washington DC

  17 December 1998

  Dear Mr President,

  You can’t do it! You can’t torture the Iraqis with sanctions and then on top of that bomb them. Whoever is advising you is an idiot.

  Yours sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  6

  Letters to the Editor

  The Editor

  The Catholic Herald

  16 January 1964

  Sir,

  To date no one has explained to me the Christian value of why the College of Cardinals censured Pope John for daring to have lunch with his gardener. To my dull mind this is religious snobbery or just plain stupidity. Can anybody enlighten me?

  Recently a Priest refused the Blessed Sacrament to a lady doctor (a mother of seven) for opening a birth control clinic. My brother has a photograph of Roman Catholic Priests giving the Blessed Sacrament to Italian pilots who half an hour later were bombing helpless and defenceless Ethiopian women and children. I would have thought that killing a woman would come under the heading of a form of birth control. Yet one can get the Blessed Sacrament prior to a legalised murder and yet if one dare issue a contraceptive to a poor family woe be tide us.

  Can I please have an intelligent answer, not one from the book of rules please because that is what we are suffering from at the moment.

  Yours faithfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Times

  8 February 1968

  Sir,

  One of the last old world joys left in London was driving down one of the last gas lit streets, Constitution Hill.

  To my horror I discovered that those faceless monsters who are gradually destroying the city, are now erecting electric lights along Constitution Hill.

  I look forward now to when they plant plastic daffodils to match the latest vandalism.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike started a campaign to save the lights in Constitution Hill. He got Prince Philip on board and although the ‘iron fingers’ were being erected, he won the battle and lampposts were reinstated. One down, a thousand to go.]

  The Editor

  The Irish Times

  4 March 1964

  Dear Sir,

  Are any efforts or any organisations in existence which are going to preserve at least one of the buildings in which Sean O’Casey lived during his early days in Dublin?

  I am sure that future generations of Irishmen would revere being able to see an actual building in which was once cradled the pen of Irish genius. All too soon these days, places which are sacred to nations are indifferently pulled down by money mad building organisations, erasing forever the sacred spot that once destroyed can never be rebuilt.

  Even though Moore, Joyce and O’Casey left Dublin there is no need for the buildings they lived in to do likewise.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Daily Telegraph

  14 September 1967

  Sir,

  Reference your photograph and article on Highgate Cemetery, the view for it sounds ominous. I predict within five years blocks of flats will appear on it, or ‘luxury type modern maisonettes’. It seems as though money has taken precedence over morality when it comes to land and houses in London and I don’t seem to find anybody free from the taint.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. I see that a Councillor Charles Ratchford considers the cemetery an eyesore. The councils of London have been putting up eyesores in London for the past five years – I don’t know what authority he has to be able to speak on the subject.

  The Editor

  Sun

  5 June 1968

  Sir,

  This attempted assassination is made even more evil, when one considers that Senator Robert Kennedy was attempting to send a bill to the American House of Representatives to stop the sale of fire-arms to civilians.

  This attempted assassination seems almost like a cruel joke; I only pray that by the time this letter reaches you, Senator Kennedy will be off the critical list.

  If not …

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Daily Telegraph

  12 July 1968

  Sir,

  The man who beats his seven year old son to death for coming home late from school (Daily Telegraph 11/7/68). He gets sentenced to 30 months imprisonment; the Great Train Robbers get life sentences, obviously loss of money is much more important than loss of life.

  For God’s sake, when are we going to get an equilibrate legal system.

  Yours,

  Spike Milligan

  [In response to one of Spike’s many complaints, Davison asked Spike to be more specific about certain landmarks he would like to see protected.]

  Michael Davison Esq.

  Weekend Telegraph

  12 July 1968

  Dear Michael Davison,

  OK I would like a permanent preservation order on Hammersmith Bridge, Wilton’s Music Hall, the Elfin Oak Tree, No. 3/5 Porchester Terrace (this was the home of John Loudon).

  Grave stone of Mrs Alice Hargreaves, who was the original Alice Pleasance Liddell, who was the little girl responsible for making Lewis Carroll put down the story he told her.

  As for pulling down, literally everything built after 1929 comes in this category, with the exception, of course, of places like, Coventry Cathedral, and Liverpool, Roman Catholic Cathedral, which, at least, are positive styles, as against the faceless things that most people live and work in.

  Regards,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Times

  14 January 1969

  Sir,

  Reference ‘Feet in Early Othello’ (Jan 13, PHS). Indeed there is a far better invention than Airwick for stifling foot odours in the stalls during Grand Opera.

  It’s my own personal invention, the artificial plastic polecat. This creature is kept in an air tight zip bag, which, when opened, gives out
100% concentrated polecat fumes, guaranteed to eclipse even the worst case of foot rot.

  There is a problem, of course, of offending the polecat owner, this too I have considered, by using the portable eau de cologne nosebag. These bags are secured over the nose with elastic. A small tube runs into the bag from a little round bulb carried in the trouser pocket, or ladies handbag; the slightest pressure on the bulb releases the full bouquet of eau de cologne so that the owner can watch and listen blissfully to the Opera while the patron with the foot odour is thrown anything up to 100 yards by the impact of the artificial plastic polecat.

  Yours respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Evening Standard

  17 March 1971

  Sir,

  I couldn’t agree more with Dr C. M. Fletcher on his reaction to the Government’s measure of printing the words ‘Smoking can damage your health’.

  I can’t believe that men at the top really believe that this warning is going to have any effect at all on smokers.

  Nicotine is a drug far worse than pot; nicotine kills. Nicotine is the strongest common addictive in the world like gas it has crept up on us.

  I have known men who had cancer of the lungs diagnosed and still could not give up smoking.

  Please God send us some leaders who are not paper tigers.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan and

  signed in his absence

  Editor

  Sunday Times

  17 January 1972

  Sir,

  Atticus quotes Britain’s Jingle Queen, Annie Farrow, as having thought up the catch phrase for Brooks’ Surgical Supports. ‘Thank you for your support I will always wear it’. I hate to break this trendy’s heart, but Henry Crun first said that in a Goon Show in 1957. Later taken up by many comics, including the late David Frost.

  There is to be a Cenotaph Memorial for the penultimate burial of this joke at Highgate Cemetery by my own hand. I can’t leave it above ground any longer; the cannibals are too frequent.

  Sincerely, etc.

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Sunday Times

  22 May 1972

  Dear Sir,

  ‘I can’t quite take Spike Milligan

  seriously as an environment wallah

  (neither, to be fair, can he).’

  The words of your Television

  Correspondent Bevis Hillier.

  By all means let him think I am not serious but please do not do my thinking for me because I am deadly serious about the subject of conservation.

  Because I don’t pull a long face or sound Donnish should not be taken as a portent of frivolity, because while I am working on conservation it is also for the benefit of Mr Bevis Hillier and his descendants.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Newsweek Incorporated

  27 June 1972

  Dear Sir,

  ‘We are going to keep marching until millions of people, are brought into the Kingdom of God’, (Billy Graham Newsweek June 26th).

  The archaic fervour of the Missionary who campaigns more for numbers than quality, has resulted in a world groaning with Christian sects, alas, within these Societies there is no true happiness, and materialism is rampant.

  Can’t the well intentioned but dim Billy Grahams realise there is no shortage of Christians, just Christianity.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Guardian

  14 October 1974

  Sir,

  Enoch Powell points out the ultimate evil of a non indigenous people (Pakistanis, West Indians etc) infiltrating, reproducing at a high rate, eventually becoming the racial majority against the natives, yet in Northern Ireland, the very people (Scots Protestants) who during the plantation were a minority, but proceeded by emigration and reproduction to out number the natives (Irish Catholics), are the very people he now wishes to represent.

  Anybody for Volte Face.

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  Catholic Herald

  10 March 1975

  Sir,

  I was interested to read in an old Hymnal by Charles Wesley, which prefixes the books, with the words:

  ‘May every Hymn in this book be sung

  always and only to the glory of God.’

  Reading further in the preface we come to the line

  ‘None of these valuable Hymns must be sung

  without payment of copyright fees to the owners.’

  Hallelujah.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Times

  22 May 1975

  Sir,

  The tragedy of the coming referendum of ‘yes or no’ for Europe is that people like myself who really want to note ‘no’, so as to retain a national identity, cannot vote ‘no’ because, in fact, there is no choice.

  We have to say ‘yes’, and it is this that makes me feel we have already lost our freedom to vote ‘yes or no’. We have to vote ‘yes’ to survive, and it is this lack of choice which I find ominous.

  Respectfully,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan over the telephone and signed in his absence

  [34 years down the line and …]

  The Editor

  The Times

  17 December 1975

  Dear Sir,

  One reads with alarm that the BBC are to accept sponsors for artistic events.

  Among the sponsors I see who will be involved will be Imperial Tobacco – therefore, this negates the official banning of cigarette advertising on television as from the 1st August, 1965.

  The Cigarette moguls must be well pleased as they can now continue on their cancerous way.

  Yours etc.

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Times

  8 January 1976

  Dear Sir,

  We seem to have reached an age when Christian morality is now completely superseded by a bureaucratic morality – the latter seems an ideal one for masking criminals. I refer to Frank Olson, the CIA Agent who was secretly given LSD as a result of which he committed suicide. The wonderful white-wash follow up is that the US Government agreed to pay the widow, 1.25m.

  This is delightful, when the man who gave the go ahead to administer the drug, gets off scot free, the innocent American tax-payer forks out.

  Yours faithfully etc.

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  The Jewish Chronicle

  11 September 1980

  Dear Sir,

  One thing has been missing in the Ceremonies concerned with Peter Sellers death, and it is one, I think, somebody should make comment about, and that is at no stage was there any attempt to introduce any connection with the Jewish side of his family. As his Mother was Jewish, most certainly then he was Jewish, whereas he did choose to be a Christian (though sometimes he fancied various other religions), his whole attitude and personality seemed to be that of a Jew.

  Because of this I wish some small representation by the Jewish Synagogue could have been reported or mentioned during these Ceremonies.

  There I feel better now.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Still looking after his mate.]

  Mrs Esther Niren

  26 September 1980

  Dear Mrs Niren,

  How nice of you to take the trouble to write. I am sorry you don’t feel better about my letter, I think you should, as it is written by a Roman Catholic, which shows that he is concerned with the Jewish people, their tradition and their religion, which I think are among the most splendid in the world.

  So, do not lose sight of the fact that at least Spike Milligan thinks the Jewish people are very very important.

  It’s a
strange thing that in the Goon Show personnel the Goon Shows consisted of – two Jews, Peter Sellers, and Geldray, one Welshman, Harry Secombe, one Irishman, myself, a Roman Catholic, but no English. What would they do without us?

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The Editor

  New Scientist

  15 July 1983

  Sir,

  Your little snippet on the new ‘Music on hold’ during telephone calls; it is a continued extension, of course, of this appalling musical dysentery called Muzak. If ever there was a harbinger of George Orwell’s Big Brother in 1984, this is it and chronologically he is not far out.

  I have managed to equate the situation. In phoning Qantas I was put on to ‘hold music’ when I finally got through to the man, I said: ‘Just a minute’, I then sang him a whole chorus of Hey Jude, which seemed to baffle him entirely.

  I tried to rationalise by explaining his Company had been kind enough to play me two choruses of some crappy music, and I was returning the compliment. If we all did this I think we might close down this pointless waste of energy.

  Of course, the most meritorious level this new sound has, is the Super Loo. Without being crude, musicians’ music being played in a shit-house. God what a proud day. I had heard of chamber music, but this is ridiculous.

  Yours, wearing ear muffs, and a switched off brain,

  Spike Milligan

  Daily Mail

  (Letters Page)

  27 October 1988

  Dear Sir,

  I see that pain in the arse Kingsley Amis still continues to consider me a ‘horrible Person’, (Daily Mail October 27th). Well so be it. The worst thing that could happen would be for him to like me, that would be unbearable.

  I am sending him Beachy Head for Christmas.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  1 November 1988

  Gulag Archipelago

  Siberia

  Yorkshire Post

  Sir,

  Reference Bernard Dineen’s letter about sending me to Russia.