The Bible, the Old Testament

  Spike Milligan

  Ireland, 1918-2002

  The Bible, the Old Testament

  According to Spike Milligan

  1993, EN

  An irreverent, but funny spoof of the Old Testament in which, in his own inimitable fashion, Spike Milligan gives his version of many of the best-known biblical stories.

  Table of contents (15)

  1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15

  CHAPTER I

  The creation according to the trade unions

  In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth.

  2. And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at Lots Road Power Station.

  3. And God said, Let there be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

  4. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

  5. And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night, and so passed His GCSE.

  6. And God said, Let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999.

  7. And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear, and in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot.

  8. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

  9. And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except over England where there was heavy cloud and snow on high ground.

  10. And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fishburgers and grade-three salmon.

  11. And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them.

  12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things, and there came cows, and the BBC Board of Governors.

  13. And God said. Let us make man in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image.

  14. And He said, Let man have dominion over fish, fowl, cattle and every creepy thing that creepeth upon the earth.

  15. And God said, Behold, I have given you the first of free yielding seed, to you this shall be meat, but to the EC it will be a Beef Mountain.

  CHAPTER II

  On the seventh day God ended his work, but Datsun of Coventry workers went on to time and a half, and God rested from all His work with complete backing from Arthur Scargill and the miners.

  2. God blessed the seventh day, as did all the Pakistani corner shops.

  3. Every plant, every herb was in earth for the Good Lord had not caused it to rain; because of this Bob Geldof had to raise fifty million quid with Live Aid.

  4. And the Lord formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; it was done privately and not on the National Health.

  5. The Lord planted a Garden in Eden and there He put the man He had formed, and He sold the idea to the B B C as Gardeners’ World.

  6. And out of the ground the Lord grew every tree that was pleasant to the sight, but He had not reckoned on the weather forecast from Michael Fish, and they were all blown down in the hurricane.

  7. And the Lord took man and put him in the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it, subject to compulsory purchase by Brent Council.

  8. The Lord God said of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but He was apprehended at the check-out and forced to pay.

  9. But of the tree of knowledge, thou shalt not eatest, or thou shall surely die, due to crop-spraying with DDT.

  10. And the Lord said, it is not good that man should be alone. He caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, which the shop steward penalised him for during working hours, deducting a day’s pay. The Lord took one of Adam’s ribs, and made a woman and brought her unto the man, which immediately qualified for common law wife allowance.

  11. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. However, at Bow Street they were charged with indecency.

  CHAPTER III

  Now the serpent was more subtle than beasts of the field; he said unto woman: “Come and eat the fruit of this tree.” Woman said, “Nay, if we eat or touch it we die.” And the serpent said, “Fear not, they are not from South Africa,” whereupon she ate and gave of it to her husband.

  2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, “Stand back, I don’t know how big this is going to get.”

  3. And the Lord God called unto Adam: “Where are thou?”

  4. And Adam said, “I art here.”

  5. But both Adam and Eve’s eyes were opened and they saw they were naked and they sewed on fig leaves – one for Eve and a hundred and eighty for Adam.

  6. The Lord said, “Who told thee that thou wast naked?”

  7. And Adam said, “I could see it all hanging down.”

  8. “Has thou eaten of the apple?” said the Lord.

  9. “Yea, Eve gave it to me,” said Adam. “A Granny Smith.”

  10. “Woman,” said the Lord, “what hast thou done?”

  11. And Eve said, “I haven’t done anything, I’ve only just got here.”

  12. And the Lord said unto the serpent, “Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly thou shalt go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of your life.”

  13. “This is victimisation,” said the serpent; “I shall appeal to the R S P C A.”

  14. Unto Adam and Eve the Lord God made coats of skins and, verily, they looked terrible – you could still see it all.

  15. And Eve saw Cain and said, “Lo, I have gotten a man from the Lord.”

  16. And she got another son and together they were called Cain and Abel.

  17. And it came to pass that Cain rose up and slew Abel very badly.

  18. And the Lord said, “‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what’s going on ‘ere?”

  19. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain – it was on his right forearm and said Man. United.

  20. And Cain went out from Eden to the land of Nod, but there was a curse on the land; it was called Nationwide Building Society.

  21. And Cain knew his wife and she bore him a child, Enoch, and in the goodness of time they were all in B&B.

  22. But Cain was wise and applied for child benefit.

  23. And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years after a course of male hormones. He was lifted on and off and, lo, he begat a son, Seth, who went on to begat many sons and daughters and won the Queen’s Award for Industry.

  24. Seth lived one hundred and five years and, after testosterone tablets, begat Enos.

  25. And it came to pass, men began to multiply on the face of the earth – and lo, there were many queues for hip operations and standing only on the tube.

  26. And the sons of God saw the daughters of men and they were fair; and they took them wives all of which they chose but, woe, the sleeping arrangements were dodgy.

  27. There were giants on the earth in those days; they were all in the British Rugby team.

  28. The Lord looked upon the earth and, lo, it was corrupt with Nightmare on Elm Street III.

  29. He sayeth unto Noah, build an ark and two of every animal of the earth thou shalt take in it. So Noah let the animals in and, lo, Noah and his family were soon up to their necks in it. And Noah’s wife said, “For God’s sake – somebody open a window.”

  30. And the Lord made it rain forty days and nights and the world was flooded, all except England
where they had drought and a hosepipe ban.

  31. And the rain and the waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred and fifty days and, woe, cricket was cancelled at the Oval.

  32. And it came the waters abated, and Noah sent forth a raven – yea, he went forth and stayed forth.

  33. Noah then sent forth a dove and, lo, it returned with an olive leaf plucked off. Noah himself was pretty plucked off.

  34. Noah waiteth seven days and he sendeth off the dove yet again – but this time it returned not, having been shot on the Glorious Twelfth.

  35. And when the land had dried, Noah lifted the cover off the ark and let it all out.

  36. And Noah built an altar for the Lord with DIY and gave a burnt offering. But the Lord was angry and said, “This offering is burnt.” So Noah sweareth and doeth it all over again in the microwave.

  37. And Noah went forth with his wife and sons, and they planteth a vineyard. Soon Noah was drunk as a newt.

  38. And Ham saw the nakedness of his father and was jealous of the size. For it was there for all to see, and Ham told his two brethren.

  39. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and went backward and covered the nakedness; and their faces were backward, and they walketh over a cliff.

  40. Then Noah awoke from the wine – and saw some joker had tied a blue ribbon round it and he hideth it with his hands.

  41. And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years, the last three hundred on a zimmer. Lo, he died of deafness; there was a horse and cart coming up behind him and he heareth it not.

  42. And so the children of Noah begat many children and they too begat children – everywhere, behind every bush, they were begatting.

  43. But Sarai was barren. She had no children and the Lord put her on to Abram, who did it to her until he fell off. Then the Lord blessed Abram – but Sarai said, “Never mind that, get him off.”

  44. The Lord said unto Abram, “Get thee out of the country.” And Abram said, “What about my mortgage?”

  “It will pass,” said the Lord. As he spoke the mortgage went past Abram, so he offered the Lord another burnt offering. The Lord was angry and said this is worse than the Ml. Abram was sore afraid and fell on his face and the Lord said, “Does that hurt?”

  Abram said, “Yes.”

  And the Lord said, “Upsydaisy.”

  So Abram upped his daisy.

  And the Lord said, “Now lift up thine eyes, look from the place thou art northward, southward, eastward and westward.”

  “It makes me giddy,” said Abram. But in one Biblical bound Abram was free.

  45. And Abram said, “Behold, to me thou hast given no seed.” The word of the Lord came unto him saying, “This shall not be thine heir.”

  “Oh!” said Abram.

  And the Lord said, “But he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.”

  For months Abram waited, but nothing came out of his bowels. “How long, O Lord?” said Abram, straining away.

  The Lord said, “Abram, stop thy straining for if it hath not come to pass by now it never will.”

  46. When Abram was ninety years and nine, the Lord appeared with painkillers and said unto him, “Walk before me, and be thou perfect.” But Abram was with rheumatism plus a humpty back and the Lord saw he was far from perfect and put him on BUPA. But, verily, worse was to come.

  47. The Lord said, “Thy name shall be Abraham and Sarai thy wife shall be Sarah. And ye shall be circum cised in the flesh of your foreskin.”

  Abraham was afraid and clutched his bits to him.

  48. And the Lord spoke from a cloud: “And every man child and every man of your house will be circumcised.”

  “O Lord,” said Abraham, “where are we going to put it all?”

  “Fear not,” said the Lord, “they are biodegradable and there are many hungry dogs. And the uncircumcised will be cursed and will go forth with it hanging down into the nettles.”

  49. The Lord said, “I will bless Sarah, and she will bear a child by you.”

  Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed; many teeth went. “A child at my age?” said Abraham.

  50. “Abraham,” called the Lord, “fear not your age; you still have all the bits required. There is an old Jewish proverb, surely as the serpent hisseth and the lamb calls its mother, therefore will the wild horse run its race to the East End.”

  “Lord, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Abraham.

  “Fear not,” said the Lord, “thou shalt have a son and his name shalt be Isaac; your wife is stirring the mixture at the moment.”

  51. And the Lord appeared on a burning bush but, lo, there was a smell of burning hairs.

  52. On the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised and Ishmael his son by Hagar, Sarah’s handmaid. And all the men of his house were circumcised; the bits were everywhere, and for many weeks they wore not underpants and there were many screams in the night, and the wives goeth without.

  53. And the Lord appeared unto Abraham in the plains of Mamre, which were safer than the planes of Air Uganda. Abraham sat in the tent door in the heat of the day, knackered. He would make a feast for the Lord. He ran into the herd, took a calf and gave it to a butcher who dressed it; it came back wearing shorts, a T-shirt and football boots.

  The Lord was well pleased with the joke and said to Abraham, “Thou shalt have a son.”

  Abraham was fearful and afraid as he still had a sore willy. “But, Lord, I am old, it’s all shrivelled up.”

  “Fear not,” said the Lord, “I will unshrivel it, go now and begat.”

  54. Abraham went into Sarah and said, “The Lord wants me to start a nation.”

  And Sarah laughed and said, “You couldn’t start a bus.”

  55. The brother of Abraham had a son called Lot and he grew up, which is the right direction, and he dwelt near the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, sinful places where they kerb-crawleth.

  56. And the Lord said unto Abraham, “Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

  57. “Eh???”said Abraham.

  58. Then Lot spake, “Up, get out of this place.” Lot’s wife sobbed as only that day the new carpet had been fitted.

  The Lord appeared in a cloud of something and from somewhere in it said, “I will destroy this city, it will cost the Halifax dear.”

  59. Lot then sayeth what soundeth like a conundrum:

  “Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one. Let me escape thither (is it not a little one?)”

  And the Lord appeared in a bowl of custard: “Flee the city, but look not back at the ‘For Sale’ signs.” Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone, diesel and fire. All the main services came to a halt. Lot of the little one and his wife left, but woe betide! His wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. So Lot didn’t have to buy salt for the rest of his days.

  60. And Abraham rose early to see the city in smok ing ruins and sayeth, “There goes their chance of putting on the Olympics.”

  61A. And, with his two daughters, Lot left Zoar where he had fled to, as the prices were too high and he put a deposit on a cane so he layeth down and waiteth for prices to drop.

  61B. The one daughter said to the other, “Our father is old, and there is not a man in the world to come to us.” For Lot there was no disco in the land. The daughters said, “Let us give our father wine and we will lie with him that we may preserve his seed.” And six nights they did seed saving. Lot said he couldn’t remember any of it and was remanded for a psychiatrist’s report. Two sons were born; the daughters had given birth to their own brothers, Moab and Benammi.

  62. Abraham was now eight hundred years old, by now it had almost dropped off.

  63. And the Lord visited Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did unto Sarah as He had spoken. And Sarah delivered a son called Isaac
by Red Star. To save money Abraham circumcised him using Mrs Beeton’s cookery book as God had commanded him.

  64. And there was in the land a woman Hagar who had been using old men’s hormones. When Abraham was fourscore and six years old he had put seed unto her and she had borne a son, Ishmael, and when Sarah had heard she had clouteth Abraham good and proper, then she clouted Hagar, and Abraham said, “Stop, thou know-est not what you do.”

  “I know what I’m doing,” said Sarah, “I’m doing her.”

  “Stay your hand,” said Abraham, “Hagar is only a timeshare wife.” It was only ten minutes.

  65. Now, the Lord appeared unto Hagar. He said, “Arise, lift up your lad, for I will make him a great nation.”

  “Anyone but Iraq,” said Hagar.

  66. And the lad greweth every day asking, “Mother, when do I become a great nation?” His mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt. Seeing this bint, the lad started to begat her. And the Lord saw it and said, “I will make you a great nation.” And Hagar said, “Don’t worry, if you want he’ll make you one.”

  And Abraham went forth and gave seven lambs to Abimelech, and Abimelech said, “Why do you bring me seven lambs?”

  “Because,” sayeth Abraham, “it’s all I’ve got.”

  God did tempt Abraham and said unto him, “Abraham,” and he said, “Behold, here am I” and, sure enough, there he was. The Lord said, “Take thy son, Isaac, take him to the land of Moriah and offer him for a burnt offering.”

  “Thou wantest me to make him snuff it?”

  “Yea,” said the Lord.

  So using breeze blocks, Abraham made a barge, lit the fire and told him to get on it – and Abraham said, “Lord, do you want anything with him? Chips?”

  Abraham was preparing to cook Isaac, who was saying, “Dad, it’s getting hot up here.”

  “I’m only obeying orders, son,” said Abraham as he basted Isaac with first cold pressing olive oil, then he took up the carving knife to fricassee his son and an angel of the Lord said, “Lay not thine hand upon the lad.”

  “What’s up?” said Abraham. “Has he gone vegetarian?”